Daily Dish

Musings, ramblings, and miscellaneous writer neuroses of RITA award-winning comedy and New York Times bestselling author Alesia Holliday.

Friday, August 19

Channeling Sacajawea . . .

Yes, I'm now experiencing that part of any of our many, many moves (Navy Guy being in the, you know, Navy and all, this happens a lot) wherein I am reduced to comparing myself to Sacajawea in order to survive.

As in: Well, Sacajawea didn't even have a car, let alone this wonderful car that -- oh, right. This wonderful car that EXPLODED A TIRE WHEN I WAS BARRELING DOWN THE FREEWAY (following all posted speed limits, I assure you, if you're listening, Trooper Stolarik).

Or the part where the hairy-butted studmuffins of love apparently believed I wanted them to DO ME RIGHT ON THE FREEWAY.

Or today, when I NEARLY WENT TO JAIL.

As I've mentioned to a few friends (who admitted to laughing at me), I will even laugh at this once it's all over and I find some Vicodin. or Valium. or Vodka. gotta love those V words. sigh. [Did I MENTION the part where I was in the ER with Princess at midnight when BLOOD was GUSHING out of what was supposed to be a small insect bite??? BLOOD and GUSHING. Two words you NEVER, EVER want to use in the same sentence when talking about your children. Or - on a lighter note - the part where I FELL HEADFIRST down a flight of stairs in the restaurant?]

Today we were stuck on the bridge for an HOUR with the car turned off because the TUNNEL that goes under Chesapeake Bay was shut down by an accident. Did I mention both kids had to pee?? in the middle of stopped traffic? of COURSE they did.

Then I did an illegal U-turn to find a restaurant for dinner and both of them spent the entire dinner telling everyone in the restaurant that MOMMY BROKE THE LAW and was going to jail. Including, of course, the VIRGINIA STATE HIGHWAY PATROL OFFICER IN UNIFORM who came in to eat. Princess started sobbing and hurled herself on my lap and said to the poor befuddled man: DON'T TAKE MY MOMMY TO JAIL.

Whereupon everyone in the entire restaurant probably thought i was a crack dealer. If you see me on CNN, you'll know why.

But REMEMBER: Sacajawea had NO running water, laptop computer, or cell phone on HER trip. Life is good. Life is DAMN GOOD.

alesia, twitching in a hotel room somewhere in Virginia Beach